Monthly Lady Issues
by Ikathy
Summary: As if a bad case of cramps still wasn't punishment enough, there were also three males in her bedroom totally freaking out. ElfEver Week Day 1: Crimson.


**Monthly Lady Issues**

Evergreen let out a squeak when Freed opened the curtains and light entered her room as if she was a vampire that would burn in contact with sunshine.

"Close it!" she cried, covering her head with a blanket. A sting of pain hit her abdomen when she shrank her body, making her moan in response. Freed only sighed and shut the curtains closed again, turning to look at her with disapproval on his face.

"But I think some sun warmth would do you good, Ever," the green-haired mage explained with a kind tone. "You are sweating cold."

"It's just a mild fever, Freed," she replied, her voice muffled by the blanket. "And I already took some medicine, so you can all leave."

It was not exactly usual for her to have strong menstrual cramps, but sometimes they caused a bit of anemia, nausea and temperature rising. Once, when she was only a teenager, she had to go to the hospital, too weak to do anything else. As she grew up, however, those episodes were becoming rarer, and it had been a long time since she had felt so sick, so the boys had never seen her having that kind of problem before.

It was almost funny to see those two thugs — and Freed — seeming so out of place surrounded by her plants and statues. Laxus hadn't noticed yet, but there was a tiny leaf that got stuck on his hair, and he looked so adorably awkward she would be screaming like a fangirl if her belly wasn't hurting so much.

"Dude, the fact that you bleed every month is already bizarre, but to look like shit as you do now… It can't be called normal," Bickslow said from a corner of her room, with the delicacy of a rock. His helmet was on one of her statues' head.

"Well, 'dude', it's not my fault if my body feels the constant need to prepare itself for a baby," Evergreen retorted in a bad mood. Their presence there was starting to become a bother, as she was too tired to do anything other than sink on her comfy bed and enjoy the effects of the drugs she had taken a few minutes ago. "Now get out, I need some sleep."

Laxus, which has stayed silent up to that moment, huffed in response. He was sitting on a chair that was too small for him, with both his arms and legs crossed. His lips were pressed in a thin line and his brows were furrowed, which indicated he was worried. Evergreen appreciated their concern, but it was a bit embarrassing to deal with a matter so… _womanly_ such as cramps around them.

"Bickslow is right, this isn't normal," the Dragon Slayer said heavily. "Isn't Wendy around?"

"No, she's out on a job," she weakly replied, turning around to face the wall. "And you guys shouldn't be here, boys are forbidden at Fairy Hills."

"What about the other girls?" Laxus insisted.

"I already checked, no one is here now," Freed sat at the edge of her bed, checking her temperature with the back of his hand.

"Bickslow, go to the guild and see if there's someone there that can help, otherwise bring Porlyusica," the lightning mage demanded and was promptly obeyed. Evergreen meant to protest, but she wasn't exactly on the mood to do so. Her uterus was about to explode and she wanted to spend her last moments tripping on painkillers, not yelling at human gorillas.

"You are really freaking out, aren't you?" Evergreen turned to look at them, receiving a sympathetic look from Freed in response. Laxus only stood impassive, which made her sigh. "Guys, I'll be fine. Women can handle the pain, otherwise we wouldn't be in charge of delivering babies or doing bikini waxes. In a few hours I'll be fine, I promise. Now can you _please_ go before Erza finds out you are here?"

Truth be told, she didn't care much about the fact they were guys. Sure, it was a bit embarrassing, but what was really bothering her was the whole situation. Evergreen was the type that never gets sick, so she has always been some kind of mom to the group. Men are completely clueless when it comes to deal with sickness, not to say careless about their own health, so she naturally took the job of taking care of them when they needed, which also included yelling her lungs off until they got some proper rest. While Freed was easy to deal with, as he followed her orders without questioning when he had some of his allergy crisis, Bickslow was a complete nightmare, always refusing to stay in bed and eat his damn soup.

Being for the first time at the opposite side of the coin was awkward and annoying. She wasn't used to depending on someone other than her own self and she didn't want for it to start now.

But Laxus and the Raijinshuu could be as stubborn as a door, so after exchanging a knowing look, the Dragon Slayer spoke in a tone that didn't allow further questioning. "We'll stay here until we make sure you'll be alright on your own, then we'll come back tomorrow to check on you."

Sighing in resignation, Evergreen turned her back on them again and decided to pretend they weren't there. The drugs were starting to kick in, but her discomfort was still intense, so she would wait for a while for the pain to subside, then she would fake cry her ass off to spook them out of her room for good. There was nothing in this world that could make men disappear faster than the tears of a woman. Piece of cake.

She was just about to fall asleep when the door opened and Bickslow's loud voice filled the room. "This was the fastest help I could get."

When Evergreen lazily turned to look at who the seith mage had brought along with him, though, she wished she hadn't done that.

"Seriously, Bickslow?! Elfman?" she barked, unable to contain herself. "Don't you think there's already too much testosterone in only one room?"

The word "embarrassment" had now a whole new level of meaning. She felt her face heating up like a torch being lit and thanked all the gods for having a fever, meaning a reliable excuse for the color of her skin. Actually, she hoped her fever would just escalate quickly enough to kill her right on the spot. Even death would be better than having that big oaf of all people seeing her looking so ugly and vulnerable like that. For Heaven's sake, she wasn't even using mascara!

"Sorry, couldn't find any girls," Bickslow shrugged, not sorry at all. Hell, he would be _really_ sorry when she stood up from that bed and shoved some tampons on every cavities of his body.

Or maybe he would just like it, who knows.

"My sisters and Kinana went off to the market to get some supplies for the guild," Elfman explained, unamused. "I heard from Bickslow, and I quote here, that 'Evergreen is bleeding to death, like, serious dude, it's some really scary shit and I think she's dying', so I assumed it was just a case of cramps."

Evergreen covered her face with her hands, wondering if it was just a bad dream. Heavens, let it be just a really, _really_ bad dream, please.

"Well, you are not wrong," Freed replied after a long awkward silence. "We are concerned about her fever, it's been high for a while."

The Take Over mage approached her bed in large steps and laid a hand on her forehead. She didn't have the courage to look back at him, only flinched when his cold skin came in contact with her hot one. If the universe was conspiring on her favor, he wouldn't notice how fast her heart was beating after being touched by him.

Crap. The only option she would have from now on — besides a sudden death — was to turn them all into statues and hide them in some forgotten corner of the world to never be found again.

"Where's the kitchen?" Elfman asked, interrupting her mental logistics planning of transporting four huge statues without raising any suspicions.

"Downstairs," she mumbled back, suddenly finding the patterns of her flowery blanket very interesting. It was a blanket large enough to cover, say, a male human statue, and also didn't look like it would be hiding a body at all. So perfect.

"I'll be right back," Elfman announced, standing up and heading to the door.

After he was long gone, Freed threw his hands in the air and hissed. "What the _fuck_ , Bickslow?!"

Oh, boy. If sweet Freed was cursing, he must be really pissed.

"I told you to bring Porlyusica," Laxus grunted. One of his legs was shaking uncontrollably with impatience. Hell, he must have been dying to get out of there and Bickslow blew his best chance at it. Poor Laxus. She couldn't blame him for wanting to go away, as she wanted the same.

"That woman gives me the creeps!" Bickslow pouted, getting all defensive, like a kid that didn't want to admit he fucked up. "Besides, Elfman said he could help."

But Freed didn't accept the seith mage's excuses and began a never ending sermon, which Bickslow obviously couldn't accept quietly because he was too much of a jerk to do so. Soon, they were arguing loudly, accusing one another of things not even related to the present matter, just like an old married couple that decided to have The Talk at that exact moment. The whole discussion was making Evergreen's head spin furiously and she suddenly felt a knot on her throat.

Her belly and back hurt, her hair was uncombed and tangled, her skin was shiny and damp with sweat. She was wearing her most ragged pajamas, with no make-up on, and was positively looking like crap. She was basically trash, a frigging human pile of garbage, and a lot of people have seen her that way. Her friends, her _male_ friends, the person he admired most in the world. And Elfman. God, Elfman. With all the possible outcomes that day could have had, his presence there was the worst one.

A sob escaped from her throat. And then another. And then tears followed — not fake tears like she had planned before, but _real_ shitty tears that she had never let out in front of anyone, and the situation became too hard for her to bear. One of her biggest fears, to look so fragile and weak before others, had come true and she could do nothing more to reverse that.

She wished everyone would just disappear.

"Get out," Evergreen whimpered with a trembling voice, which prompted the guys to turn to her direction and notice her tears for the first time. At that point, she was already feeling so humiliated she didn't care if they saw her crying. "All of you."

They looked at each other in panic while freezing on their spots, not really knowing what to do. Well, at least her theory was right and they would finally go away and she could get some time to curl up on a ball and hope to die. Maybe a portal to Edolas would magically appear on her ceiling when no one else would be around and she would be teleported to a place no one knew she was on her period.

But instead of going away, they just stayed frozen and silent for what felt like hours, until Freed finally marched towards the bed, extending his hand to touch hers.

"We're so sorry, Ever, it's jus—"

"GET OUT," she yelled with everything she got, startling the green-haired mage. Her patience to deal with them was long gone by now.

Freed opened his mouth once again to speak, but Laxus jumped out of his chair, assuming the command. "Let's go."

Bickslow only rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably and retrieved the helmet that was standing on the statue's head, while Freed stepped back, shooting her an apologetic look. While the two of them exited the room, the Dragon Slayer took his coat off and laid it on her shoulders.

"Be safe, kid," were his last words before leaving too, and Evergreen finally found herself alone. Closing the coat around herself like a cocoon, she took a deep breath and cleaned the tears out of her face.

Her stress had been so big she had completely forgotten that Elfman was still around, when he returned with a mug on one of his hands and a piece of cloth in the other. Pulling the chair Laxus was sitting on a few minutes before with his foot, he sat beside her bed. Guess she would have to buy a bigger chair for her bulky visitors.

"Here," he handed her the cloth. It was warm. "Put it on your belly. It'll ease the pain."

"Thank you… I guess," Evergreen did as told, still unable to look at him. She was still sobbing a bit when he extended her the mug and she willingly accepted it. The contents inside didn't seem very inviting, though. "What is it?"

"It's a special tea," he explained. "Just drink it all at once, get some rest and you will be fine in a couple of hours."

It tasted bitter, but she didn't complain and followed his instructions thoroughly. "Wow," she said with a hint of sarcasm to mask her embarrassment, after emptying the mug. "Who would know you would actually be useful?"

Elfman didn't answer, but somehow she could feel he was smiling. This time, Evergreen couldn't resist the urge to look up and found his kind eyes staring back at her, his lips softly turned upward in his usual gentle smile. She hated to admit it, but that smile always made her feel safe, like the fact that he was taking care of her was not a bad thing. Her cheeks heated up once again and she bit her lower lip in frustration for not being able to contain those reactions near him.

"Honestly, Ever," he chuckled, a cavernous sound produced deep inside his throat. "With two grown sisters, you couldn't have expected me to be clueless about these kind of things," He took the mug back and adjusted the blanket around her. "Lisanna can be a beast when she is PMS-ing and when she and Mira are both on their periods, damn, it's hell on earth. Lis picks fights with us and Mira cries nonstop. So believe me when I say it, your situation here is like summer vacation to me."

Well, it actually made sense. She just nodded, not really being able to picture Lisanna in a bad mood. That girl was, like, the personification of sunshine and unicorns or whatever, but if Elfman was saying she could turn into a beast, Evergreen believed it. Lisanna was still a Strauss, after all, and something really weird was going on in that family. She had felt it on her very skin in the Grand Magic Games, when she had to fight Mirajane in her Satan Soul form. After woman's tears, a Demon Take Over must be the second fastest thing to make a man disappear.

Finally feeling relaxed in her cozy bed, Evergreen sighed, sinking her head in the pillow. The pain wasn't so intense anymore and she was immensely grateful for that. "Thank you for coming," she said, leaving her pride aside for a second.

"It's nothing, really," Elfman stood up. "Now I'll leave you to get some rest. And don't worry, I'll teach those guys a thing or two about handling cramps."

Evergreen smiled for the first time in that not so fatidic day. "Is there any other incredible thing you can do, Elfman Strauss?"

The Take Over mage was already at the door, but he stopped and scratched his chin, thoughtful. "Now that you asked, I can make pretty good curls with a babyliss."

"No way," she exclaimed, completely astonished, which he answered with a proud nod of his head. "Good lord, man, marry me."

The words came out of her mouth before she even realized what she was saying, taking both of them by surprise. His eyes widened while she reflexively covered her mouth with her hands. An awkward silence fell like an anvil between them and she was desperately trying to find something to say when the door was kicked open and Erza stormed in, swaying a sword.

"EVERGREEN, what are those idiots doing in our living r—OH, so there's another one here, huh, is there a party going on that I know NOTHING ABOUT?!" she yelled, shooting a murderous look at Elfman. "You, male invader! Get out!"

The Take Over mage opened and closed his mouth several times trying to explain why he was there, but when Erza pointed her sword at him, he fledged the scene in the blink of an eye. Saved by the bell, Evergreen sighed with relief. Dealing with the scarlet terror would be hard, but not as hard as having to explain a marriage proposal.

"S-Sorry," she let out a fake sob, taking her chances. "Cramps. Fever. No one around. Hurts so much."

"Oooh no, poor baby!" Erza threw her sword on the floor and kneeled before her bed. "I'm here to take care of you now, don't cry."

And that was when she realized the fake tear thing didn't work only with men.

* * *

 **N/A:** What do you think of when the theme is Crimson? Blood. Like, in a battle right? No, like menstruation. (hashtag weirdo)

I'm having A LOT of trouble writing (and consequently proofreading), so I'd really appreciate it if you tell me about any mistakes. Thanks!


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